This is the tale of Coleslaw McCracken
A wicked pitching wizard with a secondary passion
Never known to be the sharpest tool in the shed
Went to New York City and lost his head

It was 1904, in Weeping Water, Nebraska
Born in a field of corn to Washboard McCracken
His father named him Rueben, he was more of a Rube
With a charmed right arm that would soon bear fruit
1910, county fair, his heart bounced a tad
At the sound of a pianist pounding Joplin jams
Rube shouted, “Dad, this canticle’s the ant’s pants!”
“That’s the devil’s music, son, find a carnival stand!”
Sad, Rube decamped, from the ragtime man
To a stand with a cornball and a stack of cans
Rube fired, cans exploded, carney said, “Damn!
“Kid, ya got coleslaw, and talent on your hands”
The moniker stuck, and his velocity grew
And Rube signed on the dotted line with Syracuse
“The Stars? Where Dode Alexander played, right?”
“Aye pops! Here’s the train, guess this is goodbye”

Coleslaw McCracken
The Cornball Assassin
Eastbound train grabbin’
What’s gonna happen?

The pitcher’s mound became Coleslaw’s new home
In front of “Toenail Malone” and “Stagecoach Jones”
Tutored by the spitballer, “They call me Snake Oil”
He’d uncoil heaters to “Brick Wall O’Doyle”
Word around town, “Syracuse has just found
“The best prospect since the Babe came around”
Gingivitis Jackson said, “He’s the cat’s meow!”
Even manager Lockjaw McGraw moved his jowl
From his usual scowl, you could hear him say
“I don’t believe in analytics like ERA
“But the eye test states this kid can play”
As he reeled off eight straight two-hit games
But in Jersey City, “It’s pouring rain!”
“Game’s called” said Brick Wall, “Let’s get away
“There’s a speakeasy spot called The Bootlegger’s Club
“You fellas down for some liquor, a card game, and love?”

Coleslaw McCracken
Made Lockjaw slacken
Headed to the Big Apple
What’s gonna happen?

The boys rolled in, then Jones over the chatter,
“Check the stilts on that flapper! Cole, give her yer Jabber”
Cole stammered, “Ma’am, you’re the-the corn’s pajamas
Can-can I buy you a drink?” as he pulled out some cabbage
“Hey there!” she smiled at the cash kinda dumb
Coleslaw was enamored, “I think I’m in love”
“I’m Golddigger O’Hara.” “Yes, I’m sure you’re the one.”
Little did he know she had two ruptured eardrums
The pianist urged “Why don’t ya sing her a song?”
“I can’t sing, sir.” “Well, I’ll help ya along.
“This one’s called Avalon by Al Jolson”
And what followed next had his teammates convulsing
A type of rhythmic speech, “It’s not quite singing…
“Nor is it speaking.” “My ears are bleeding”
“You sound lovely as the sea!” O’Hara told her mark
“I’m about to barf!” “Cole you’re a star!”

Coleslaw McCracken
The first guy to try rappin’
To impress a young flapper
What’s gonna happen?

Next morning, Cole said, “I’m quitting the team
“For my new music dream, this Jake Jabber thing”
But he struggled getting gigs, “I don’t know why?”
His teammate, unsurprised, “It sounds like a pig died!”
“Maybe I just need a promotional gimmick?
“That guy that spent hours pole sittin’ made a livin’”
Then O’Hara chimed in, “I’ve got it Cole Slaw
“How about you jabber over Niagara Falls?”
With a player piano that he launched it in the shallows
He sat in a barrel as he bobbed and he jabbered
Like a stabbed soprano, the audience was manic,
“Oh, he’s hit the rapids!” "What’s gonna happen?"
The piano got stuck, but Cole edged closer
“Ten feet left!” “He ducked in his enclosure”
The moment of truth, “Cole dropped into the spume!”
And vanished into the depths of the plunge pool
No sign of his body as they analyzed the brine
“Could he have survived?” “No way he’s alive!”
Then he breached the mist, raised his hands past the foam
As the piano hit the falls and dropped on his dome

Coleslaw McCracken
Niagara Jake Jabberin’
A piano came crashing’
What’s gonna happen?

Nothing. He died.