Look, let me tell you what happened to me the other day.

I open up my front window, I can see that
An old lady with a camera takes a screen cap
Of my garden that could probably use a weed hack
She’s with the HOA, there’s no way I really need that
She likes to meddle, I can tell she wants to cite that
Send a letter in the mail out of spite, that’s
When I get a little yearning to set her letter to the furnace
And send a picture of it burning to her right back
Well, by my front window is a bee, and
The Dhammapada verses have taught me that
I should harm no living thing, but how do I bring
About a rescue circumventing a sting harming me?
I know what you mean about living things
So if they let me be, I let them do their thing
But there's one living that I can't stand:
Justin Timberlake without Timbaland
Well, all I really know is that’s a little perplexing
But there’s plenty other things that are a little bit vexing
Like what's with the name Tad? I don't wanna hear that
Tad is a smidge or a touch or a fraction of
How about sitting in chairs, when you could be standing?!
16 items in Express lines scanning!
Why is my toenail turning orange?!
Are you seriously gonna make me rhyme something with orange?!

ORANGE!?! Really!?! Orange!?! This is a rap album. And on a rap album, things are supposed to rhyme. And you come up with orange? Let me tell you what rhymes with orange. Let me see… let me think… uhhh… NOTHING RHYMES WITH ORANGE!!! Nothing! Why not just write lyrics in palindromes next time? Or throw in other words that don’t have rhymes like silver and purple? Because I got one for you: dangerous.

We're sitting down to eat a nice meal
And two couples with a kid serving as a fifth wheel
Sit by our table, though the parents are able
They let the kid run around, scream, and squeal
Restaurants should have no-children sections
Where decent folk can dine without being subjected
to the kind of behavior that would get an adult arrested
Why is my space so infested?
Speaking of pests, I don't like Japanese beetles
Even the best insurance companies act evil
Greed I protest that puts money over people
And I'm upset with ruining endings for sequels
Well, I don’t like when my sleep ends in an instant
In the twilight, I believe I might feel an apparition
I’m spooked with a fright in the gloom every night
Cause my slumber is encumbered by my creepy ghost children
New car smell? This is new car hell
A chemical assault from this new car pelt
Dammit I'm mad. Was it a rat I saw?
Never odd or even, do geese see God?
Intercoms in banks really make me wanna panic!
I'm told black mold grows in most attics!
Why are ninefold new cars sold automatics?!
And the sound of styrofoam rubbing, I can’t stand it!

Can’t we wrap packages up in ANYTHING else? I’d rather have a broken product arrive in the mail than have to listen to that sound. And you know what else I hate? Decorative pillow shams!! What’s the point of a pillow you have to take off of the bed before sleeping in it?! Why don’t we just make decorative beds that you have to remove before lying down?!

Can I talk for a minute to complain that
How I see them using news as entertainment
So good views get diluted by the vacant
To sell space they confuse and get away with it
The other day I was trying to read a statement
About why things have grown rapacious
As I clicked the main thought, I was assaulted by an article
With a query unsought of "How's it hangin'?"
(What was that?) Oh, the cat walked past but
The odd thing with this cat is that I don’t have one
Another day goes, I find a scratching post by
Cat toys and a bowl, I don’t know what happened!
Destination weddings, culture of me
Public marriage proposals, egocentricity
Facebook posts every time you have to pee
I don't need to know everything about Eugene!
Casseroles, cornhole, coordinated clothes
Gazebos, New Coke, flavored Oreos
Fifth grade graduations? What is this dumb thing?
Let’s wait to celebrate till we’ve accomplished something
There's nothing unlucky about the number 13!
Perfume? Cologne? How about just get clean!
Robot phone trees make me wanna scream!
Stop saying “WE,” you're not on the team!

Here’s the deal. Number 1, your fandom is an accidental byproduct of your having been born in your city. That’s it. Number 2, these players are not your friends. They are not awakened by wondering if Kevin is going to get that raise. Or Kathy is going to get into grad school. Number 3, this is their job. Have you ever worked for a different organization than you do now? Well, guess what? Because they signed with a different team in a different city, does not mean they abandoned you. They don’t even know you exist. Number 4, Your self-worth is not determined by other people’s accomplishments. I can’t even believe I have to say that out loud. Number 5, this is a TV show. It’s entertainment. When watching Law and Order reruns, do you ever say “we” when talking about the prosecutor? HELLO?!!!?